I have decided to try to extend my artistic licesense here now with a short story I wrote a while back, like a looong way back. I´m getting bored with posting pictures in my other blog. My writing is obviously so good that someone in Pakistan stole this story and posted it on some site. I was very amused at how he was trying to answer follow up questions about it.
This is my first and only short story, and I treasure it with my life like I do with any eventual poetry I might post here as well. This is my “art” blog afterall. Writing is art isn´t it?
I don´t know how to change the rating here, if I have to, I have used “swear words” in it, this is not for Children.
Everything in this story is true though the names may have been changed.
Since this is my first short story there will be no grammatical errors, or any stuff like that, and..stuff.
And there will be no cliche´s whatsoever.
END OF PREFACE
Once upon a time there was this guy who was really small, like an 8 year old girl, and had really weird teeth, and really weird eyes.
In the meantime..
The vampire awoke. The moon shone on the casket awakening Bashwar after sleeping off the day. He rose hungry, his vampire eyes looking through the mist, surreal to mortals, but home to him.
The really weird looking guy was pissed off., he had always wanted to be a Ninja.
So he went to this oriental master, and asked him to train him in the art of self defense. The oriental master asked him if he was kidding him or something and immediatly told him to get the hell out of his abode or he would give him something to complain about.
The weird looking guy refused, so the oriental master sent one of his best warriors to take care of the bastard.
The warrior´s name was Dung Hoo something or other. Dung could hang in the air with a sword, like he was flying or something, and the weird looking guy only had one of those things that you find in nail clippers if you really look hard that looks like a file or something. And it was really short, and kind of crooked at the end.
So the weird looking guy pulled out his nail clipper thing while Dung was hanging in the air above him with a really big sword and the weird looking guy said: “I am the great warrior of nail clipper things”.
He knew that in about 5 seconds he was going to get his head cut off, so he prayed to the Lord.
The Lord came down from the heavens, and saideth:
“I will replace your nail clipper thing with this golden magic pencil, and go ye forth with the power of my word, and scribeth stuff with it.”
The nail clipper guy saideth: “But Lord, I knoweth not how to write shit”. “Pleaseth have mercyith on meith.”
But the Lord was relentless-eth and saideth ” I haveth giveneth all my power…blah, blah, blah…I´m really getting sick of this ith stuff, to you and you´d better damn sure appeciate it-eth.”.
In the meantime…
The vampire walked the streets of the city, searching for it´s prey. One by one they passed, knowing not of the danger that lurked in the shadows. Bashwars ancient eyes settled on the maiden with golden hair, who in her innocence called out to him.
Maiden: “HEY YOU!!!! YES YOU!!! WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME???”
Maiden: “WANNA DO IT??”
Bashwar: “Do what?”
Maiden: “Oh come on you hunk, you know what I´m talking about!!”
Bashwar: “Are you stupid or something? can´t you tell I´m a vampire?”
Maiden: “SO?? I don´t discriminate, are you calling me a rasist?”
Bashwar: “I´m calling you an idiot.”
Maiden: “OOOOOhh!! So THAT´s how you like it! Ok, I´ll be an idiot for 50.”
Bashwar: “I van´t to trink your blooooooood.”
Maiden: “Well you can just forget that! I´m not that kind of girl. I know your type, I´m not stupid, I´ve seen what those fangs can do, I have friends who have fallen for that kind of charm, and look at them now. Goddam blood junkies, that´s what you turn them into, walking the streets pale as ghosts, selling their dignity for as much as a rat. No way Jose´, with me it´s bangin´ and no fanging. It´ll cost you 50.”
Bashwar: “My name is not Jose´, it´s Bashwar.”
Maiden: “Whatever…. Do you want it or not?”
Bashwar: “Well, ok, I guess I could always eat later.”
So they had sex on the spot and afterwards they smoked a cigarette. Each.
When the Lord placed the golden magic pencil in the weird looking guy´s hand and went back to wherever he came from, the weird looking guy immediatly felt the true power of the Lord flowing through his arm.
But he couldn´t handle it, and his arm started vibrating like crazy, and went into spasms, which eventually made him poke both his eyes out with it.
This confounded Dung Hoo who was still hanging around in the air, so much that he lost his superior concentration and went hurdling to the ground and broke his neck and died.
The weird looking guy, hearing the thud, knew then and there, that the Lord had placed the ultimate weapon in his hand, and even though he was now totally blind and bleeding like a pig from both his eye sockets, that there was nothing he could not do.
Then along came a troll..
HEEEEEEEEYYYY!!! THERE ARE NO TROLLS IN THIS STORY!! GET THE HELL OUT! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU´RE DOING HERE???
So then the weird looking troll..
WTF???? DIDN´´T I JUST TELL YOU TO GET OUT??? NO TROLLS ALLOWED!!
This story doesn´t include trolls, the only mystical creatures allowed are vampires, ninjas and prostitutes! BYE!!
So then the….What? What do you mean I OWE you? As far as I remember I owe nothing to any trolls… Oh… that… look, I was young, I didn´t know what I was doing.
Ok, I do see your point.. yeah..yeah…yeah… karma..blah, blah, blah… *sigh* OK !!OK!! You´re in! Sheesh!!
So while the weird looking guy was standing there thinking about the battle he had just won, and the Lord, in walks this troll and this elf….ELF????? Ok.. you´re going to far! What damn elf?… What he´s your friend? I didn´t say you could invite a friend you stupid troll!!!
…..Ok, ok, Karma….
So in walks this troll and an elf and they were holding hands because they were FRIENDS. (Happy now you bastard?)
So they each took one of the weird looking bleeding from the eyes guy´s hands, telling him they were going to take him to a magical healing place. “The Magical Forest”.
But the elf was a mean bastard and kept kicking the poor blind guy in the butt and…
*BIG SIGH* ok, but now you owe ME!
The troll and the elf took the poor blind mans hands, all the while wearing flowers in their hair, skipping along beside him whilst they tiptoed through the tulips towards the magical forest, singing.
In the meantime….
The vampire, still hungry, gazed upon the maiden. Cocking his head in bewilderment, wondering what this creature was, it´s likes to him never seen before
Bashwar: “Ok, get out if you know what´s good for you.”
Maiden: “I´m not going anywhere until I get my 50 quantzars”
Bashwar: “What the hell are quantzars?”
Maiden: “It´s the currency we use around here.”
Maiden: “None of you´re damn business, just give me what you owe me you sick bastard.”
Bashwar: “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY??? Do you have any idea who you´re talking to? I am THE VAMPIRE!, I am VAMPIR!, I am NOSFERATU!, I am THE UNDEAD!!”.
Maiden: “I don´t care if you´re the damn Pope! I want my 50 quantzars!”
Bashwar: “Ok, HERE! Take your damn 50 “Quantzars” and get the hell out of my sight.”
Maiden: “Ay Ay maytey! Just let me find my parrot and my eyepatch and me be off!”
Bashwar: “WTF? You´re a PIRATE now? I thought you said you were a one eyed prostitute.”
Maiden: “Uh…. yeah…. I am…I just kinda get mixed up sometimes.”
In the meantime..
The troll and the elf had taken the weird looking guy to the edge of the forest. They sat down beside the magical healing pond together. Singing. In Elven and Trollen. (or is that Trollish?) Whatever.
The weird looking guy was still bleeding profusley through his eye sockets, refusing to let go of the magic golden pencil the Lord had given him.
The troll was getting pissed off at the bleeding guy´s attitude. The elf was getting really bored with the whole situation and started chewing on things he found laying around, with his eyes closed, trying to guess what they were.
The vampire´s thirst was yet unquenched, the day had been long, for 400 hundred years he had been tired, and the years were beginning to take their toll.
Into the shape of the Wolf he became, and then the Bat, and then the Wolf once more. The faint scent of blood came though the night air, arousing the beast, giving directions.
The deep dark forest was calling, thus went the wolf to seek out it´s prey.
“LOOK YOU BLIND BASTARD!!” Said the Troll. “I´VE JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH OF YOU`RE WHINING!! SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!!
The vampire approached
The weird looking guy heard a stir through the trees, and said: “HARK!! I hear a stir.”
The troll said: “I don´t care. I´ve had enough of your mouth.”
Bashwar came forth, first as a wolf but then changing into his glorious vampire persona.
I AM BASHWAR!! THE VAMPIRE! He said.
The bleeding blind guy said: I AM THE TOOL OF THE LORD!! HE HAS DUBBED ME THE HOLDER OF THE MAGICAL GOLDEN PEN AND I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN THOU ADEPT OF THE EVIL ONE!!!
The Troll and the elf headed for the hills because they were essentially cowards.
Bashwar said: Are you kidding me?
The weird looking guy said: DOST THOU KNOWETH MY POWER AND MY FURY?
Bashwar said: EH?
Guy: ” I SHALL STAND ERECT, AND WITH MY GOLDEN PE…
suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Swallow…..swallow…swallow.
AHHHHHRK!! BLECH!!! Spit, spit, spit, spit spit.
Ok. That´s it! I´m moving to another country.
The vampire then cast down the lifeless body of it´s victim, then flew off, in the shape of the bat, forever into the eeerie vampirical night.
By that time the cowardly troll dared to show it´s cowardly face.
He approached the lifeless body and thought to himself:
“I think he´s still alive. Maybe I should take a closer look, his teeth look a lot pointier than I remember, but maybe I should get really close and see if he´s still breathing.”
The troll was too stupid to be able to see what was coming next.
*CRUNCH* Suck, suck, suck. Swallow.
The weird looking guy, looked even weirder now that he had become one of the undead. The troll was going to turn into a vampire very soon as well.
The whole situation sucked.
The weird looking guy rose from the ground, magical golden pen still in hand, but he was blind for God´s sake, so he went stumbling around the forest, and that isn´t going to scare anybody IS IT?
Well…. it´s scaring me.. but whatever..
He was stumbling so bad that he fell. Straight onto the golden magical pen, that is the only thing that can be substituted for a wooden stake, straight into his heart. Would you believe it?
He immediatly turned to dust. And the troll who was now a vampire, went out and started biting everything in sight, which turned the forest into the worst vampire mess ever before seen in history.
And the Lord looked down upon it.. and saideth:
“This is no good.” And pointed his finger that lightning bolts were coming out of, at the carnage, zapping everything in sight, like some kind of computer game, until all that was left was the elf and his wife, since she was so pissed off at him, she wouldn´t let him go out, and was swearing in Elvish so loud that it could be heard all across the land, a couple of birds, and a squrill. (sp?)
So…. They lived happily ever after…